Cain is so smart he has a 4.4 GPA. And when asked how he became so smart, his response was perfect, “I once had leukemia, but I won the battle against it with my bare hands! The cancer cells caused some neurons in my brain to swell into a powerful combination of intelligence and raw power,” he explains, “I’m not impressed with Steven Hawking, I can walk and I’ve got a 4.4 GPA.”

Cain has so many friends that he is now rivaling Tom. His supermodel girlfriend, Aimee Schneider, is so beautiful the sun rises just to see her. Or at least that’s what he claims, but I would trust him, after all he isa doctor. A few of cain’s most notable friends are Hugh Hefner, Willima Wallace and Mr. T. People can’t help but hate perfection like Cain Day, after all they crucified Jesus.

Cain’s perfection is not going to stop anytime soon. He has already been elected president in the year 2030, and in 2011 he will defeat racism singlehandedly. Cain has never been wrong, and that will continue into the distant future. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”

Cain knows his future is going to be perfect, which allows him to focus on the here and now. he is incredibly athletic and agile, which he demonstrates on the lacrosse field. he currently is fluent in German, despite rarely attending class. His zebra impersonation is better than that of an actual zebra. Red Bull has decided to sponsor Cain Day’s life, and frankly, who can blame them?

Cain is aware of the hatred that people feel toward him, but it doesn’t bother him, “I know that people are jealous of me, and I embrace it.”

Darn you, Cain Day.

Editor’s note: This column is written solely for the purpose of humor and entertainment and does not reflect the opinions of the Xpress newspaper, its staff or adviser.

1. The Snuggie

What idiot would buy this? It is a robe, but backwards. I’m pretty sure that’s how it was “invented,” some moron put a robe on backwards, and said, “OH MY GOD!!! I FIGURED IT OUT!!! THE SNUGGIE HAS BEEN BORN!!! Because regular blankets are too tricky? Is your house really so cold that answering the phone in your house would just be TOO cold. I mean I understand the use of the Snuggie for Eskimos, who could actually lose an arm because it actually is TOO cold. If you’re too broke to afford enough heat in your house, and do not want to leave a blanket, I doubt you have the $20 to buy a Snuggie. Seriously…

2. Toilet Paper Nose Blowing Hat

The name really says it all. It’s a really terrible invention. Besides the fact that you look ridiculous while wearing it. You don’t even get to wipe your nose with real tissues, you’ve got to use toilet paper to wipe your nose. It would be a great invention if your butt was on your face, not your nose. That is just poor planning.

3. Pet Rock

Are you really that lonely? It’s a rock, dude, find some friends. But in truth, I’m glad a man finally domesticated…rocks. Those wild rocks were really becoming overpopulated. Wow, that’s sad. And the worst part is, some guy made millions of dollars…by putting rocks into boxes and selling them to people. If you see anyone who has a pet rock, pick up a free rock, and throw it at them.

4. Braille on Drive Up ATMs

Think about it, BLIND PEOPLE DON’T DRIVE!!! So why would they need Braille on a drive up ATM? That is the last place Braille should be placed. But if a blind person were actually able to get all the way to a drive-up ATM, without hitting the building, a deer, or a small child, then they deserve to not only use that ATM, but they deserve all the money in that ATM, and also to be arrested. BECAUSE BLIND PEOPLE DON’T DRIVE!