Ralston Valley [e]Xpress Newspaper

There are some people in this world who you just hate, because they are so perfect. We unfortunately have the presence of one of these in our school. His name is Cain Day…

Cain is so smart he has a 4.4 GPA. And when asked how he became so smart, his response was perfect, “I once had leukemia, but I won the battle against it with my bare hands! The cancer cells caused some neurons in my brain to swell into a powerful combination of intelligence and raw power,” he explains, “I’m not impressed with Steven Hawking, I can walk and I’ve got a 4.4 GPA.”

Cain has so many friends that he is now rivaling Tom. His supermodel girlfriend, Aimee Schneider, is so beautiful the sun rises just to see her. Or at least that’s what he claims, but I would trust him, after all he isa doctor. A few of cain’s most notable friends are Hugh Hefner, Willima Wallace and Mr. T. People can’t help but hate perfection like Cain Day, after all they crucified Jesus.

Cain’s perfection is not going to stop anytime soon. He has already been elected president in the year 2030, and in 2011 he will defeat racism singlehandedly. Cain has never been wrong, and that will continue into the distant future. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”

Cain knows his future is going to be perfect, which allows him to focus on the here and now. he is incredibly athletic and agile, which he demonstrates on the lacrosse field. he currently is fluent in German, despite rarely attending class. His zebra impersonation is better than that of an actual zebra. Red Bull has decided to sponsor Cain Day’s life, and frankly, who can blame them?

Cain is aware of the hatred that people feel toward him, but it doesn’t bother him, “I know that people are jealous of me, and I embrace it.”

Darn you, Cain Day.

Editor’s note: This column is written solely for the purpose of humor and entertainment and does not reflect the opinions of the Xpress newspaper, its staff or adviser.

The top four inventions that are stupider than their inventors:

1. The Snuggie

What idiot would buy this? It is a robe, but backwards. I’m pretty sure that’s how it was “invented,” some moron put a robe on backwards, and said, “OH MY GOD!!! I FIGURED IT OUT!!! THE SNUGGIE HAS BEEN BORN!!! Because regular blankets are too tricky? Is your house really so cold that answering the phone in your house would just be TOO cold. I mean I understand the use of the Snuggie for Eskimos, who could actually lose an arm because it actually is TOO cold. If you’re too broke to afford enough heat in your house, and do not want to leave a blanket, I doubt you have the $20 to buy a Snuggie. Seriously… Read more…